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Webhost Death Pool. A Holiday Tradition

Mon, 16th December 2013, 17:01

With Al Gore's global warming taking a hiatus and Christmas just days away, we figured it was a good time to take take a break from shoveling snow and check out some yuletide traditions.

No one has their Christmas more steeped in ritual than Finnish families. After all, Finland does boast that it's the home country of Santa Claus.... contrary to what those people in Greenland say. The festivities start with a morning sauna. Then there is the traditional breakfast before heading out to the town’s declaration of Christmas peace at noon. Sounds good so far. After lunch, the house is cleaned and the tree is decorated. But then things get a little grim when the kids are bundled up and the family marches out to the graveyard at 6 ‘o clock. In a practice that mirrors the Latino Day of the Dead, Finns visit dead family members to leave candles and reflect. This way, every family member gets to partake in the Christmas festivities...

Some Lithuanians get into the Christmas spirit by preparing a special dish assigned to the souls of dead ancestors. Kûèia (either a stew or a loaf of bread depending where you live) is carried three times around the house before being placed on the table. The eldest family member goes outside to invite "the souls of the ancestors, the cold, the wind and bees to eat together". Being a family feast, everyone is expected to participate in it. Sometimes a glass of beer is set in the place where the dead member used to sit....

The Irish like to get together and have a reading of “The Dead”. The short story from James Joyce’s collection “Dubliners” tells the tale of a group of Dubliners gathered together for a Christmas celebration of the banality and magic in life and death. The tale has rather become like an Irish version of “The Christmas Carol”. A tale of reflection on the past, present and future of Ireland!

Poles apart from the aforementioned customs, HostJury prefers to see off those dearly departed (webhosts that is), by writing deadpool posts...Unlike Dickens's Christmas Carol, we have little hope of a transformation as experienced by Ebeneezer Scrooge. In fact, we have no expectations at all. Without further adieu, the thrilling conclusion to the two-part November deadpool.

Hostbig.net

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so what does that say about Hostbig.com, the very much alive predecessor to this late Indian knockoff? We can be fairly certain that the original is better, mainly because a casual search for Hostbig.net reveals a treasure trove of hosting horror stories.

I'm sure the loss is devastating to the unrelated Hostbig.com. They got such good free publicity out of the deal, you know?

Holdfire Network

Holdfire? With endless service complaints, a big fat F from the BBB and now a complete collapse of services? Looks like somebody finally pulled the trigger.

ProtoIP

'Not all hosting providers are created equal,' boasts the defunct page for this impossible to google company. We at HostJury hold these truths to be self-evident. As for me, I regret that I have but one article to make fun of this hosting company.

Hagio Host

A hagiography is a quasi-historical biography on the lives of saints. It retells their miracles, their theological positions, and their virtues. A biography of HagioHost sounds something like this: they gave a few years of mediocre proxy hosting before selling out to MellowHost. Amen. I get that this Francis guy is progressive, but are we really expecting canonization here?

Godolph Hosting

This little known service was named for none other than Godolph Hitler, Adolf's older, surprisingly good natured brother. Much like the man himself, we have to appreciate Godolph's complete lack of participation in any form of imperial conquest or ethnic cleansing, but, like their namesake, it just wasn't enough to save them.

Elixir Hosting

The tragic story of this hosting service? They spilled the elixir all over their servers. Talk about killing two birds with one stone, except the birds are like, your livelihood, or something. I don't know. This analogy got away from me.

CloudBeast

CloudBeast? Really? What a sweet name for a company. At HostJury, we like to remind all of our readers that the number one rule for choosing a hosting service is: the best hosts sound like they can beat the crap out of all the other hosts. Clearly, there was a bigger fish.

BE Servers

To be or not to be? That was the question. The answer is a 403 page on their defunct website.

Unlimited Megabytes

Much like unlimited power, unlimited authority and unlimited breadsticks, the sheer excess is what corrupted this once noble site into obsolescence. If I were a talk radio host, I'm sure I could relate this to the inevitable moral decay of American society. No more Unlimited Megabytes?! Thanks, Obama.

GateHost

'Tired of numerous server outages or bad customer support?' asks GateHost's hook. 'We offer a 99.9% uptime guarantee...' Until now! In the words of a learned scholar, '60% of the time, it works every time.'

SysHosts

We're pretty much convinced that '99.9% uptime!' is literally code for 'we are going to die within the year' at this point.

Looking for a new webhost. Read the reviews and choose wisely!

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